Don't be Afraid, God has a Plan!!

This time, ten years ago, I was preparing to send my husband on his first missions trip to the Phillipines for two weeks.  At the time, we had a 6, 4, 2, and one year old.  I remember the crippling fear that I had to work through when I would have thoughts like, "What if something happens to him?"  "I can't raise our children with no daddy."  Thoughts like these came more and more as the time drew near for him to leave.

  I confided my fears to someone else and let them help me carry the burden and take it to Jesus. I made it through those two weeks and he returned home safely. I relied on God's word while he was gone and was very encouraged and loved by LOTS of people making it much easier than I had anticipated. I wish I could say that was the last time I dealt with fear that year, but it was only the beginning.  Shortly after he got back, I began experiencing terrible stomach pains and after driving myself to the hospital in the middle of the night because he needed to stay at home with the children we found out that my gall bladder needed to come out SOON.  I had a little bit of fear going in to the surgery but nothing that I couldn't just get beyond.  Within 48 hours of the surgery when I should have been feeling considerably better, I began running a high fever, and again having severe pain...Fear rushed in...I didn't think I would live through this. 

 I spent the next 5 weeks in the hospital and the doctors explained to Rick that I was very sick and might not make it...I won't drag out the gory details of the following weeks but I vividly remember sometime during the second week as my body was withering and doped up, my mind, oblivious, God spoke to my heart,"You shall not die, but live."  At that point  fear was broken and I began to make some improvements.  I kept reminding myself of what I had heard and when I shared it with Rick, we realized these were the same words from Psalm 118:13,17 "My enemies did their best to kill me, but the Lord rescued me. I will not die but live to tell what the Lord has done." 

  It came as quite a shock to us after being out of the hospital for only 2 months that I was pregnant.  Immediately, I was consumed with fear.  Would I be able to carry this baby?  Would he/she have abnormalities or problems as a result of the 13-16 pills I was still on every day?  Would he be born and then I would lose him? The questions were unending, but I began to study and believe the Lord led me to Genesis 50:20-21 and I knew that I could  apply these verses to my life also. "You  intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.  He brought me to this position so that I could save the lives of many people. No, don't be afraid.  I will continue to take care of you and your children." 

 Unfortunately, I look at my 30th year of life as the Year of Fear.... Afraid of losing my husband, afraid of dying and my children having no momma, afraid of losing a child....BUT GOD is SO GOOD....

The day I found out I was pregnant, I stopped taking ALL of those pills and spent the next months telling the Lord that I would trust Him.  Rick and I had always said that we wanted to be finished having babies by the time I was 30 and that we had compromised because he wanted two children and I wanted 6 and as far as we knew at that point the 6, 4,,2,and 1 year olds that we had were a complete package for us.  I have never been so happy to be  SO wrong.  God was gracious and gave us a constant reminder of His faithfulness an hour after I turned 31 when Aidan Titus was born.  He was whole, healthy, completely protected and unaffected by all the drugs that went through his little body in it's early weeks of formation.  His name means Giant Fire....the giant fire that the enemy planted in my stomach with all intentions of ending me, GOD intended  for my GOOD.  God kept Aidan in place until just after that 30th year ended to say to me,"I am doing a new thing!"  It took me over half of the next decade and the birth of another precious baby to fully understand a little more about God's faithfulness! 

What I thought about life when I was 30 is so different than what I think of life as I approach 40 and instead of being gripped by fear and thinking in such a small box,I look at this next decade excitedly, I can't wait to see what God has in mind for us, our children, and probably before a new decade comes, our grandchildren...I know now that I can trust that His plans and the prophecies in those verses he planted in my heart are bigger than my fears. HE is FAITHFUL and I can trust HIM!

What does it all mean?

Have you ever had a thought, that seemed to not go away and over time, God shows you more and more of the picture?  I shared a few days ago that I had felt a leading of the Lord to refresh my spanish speaking.  Not knowing why, I have hesitated.  I mentioned it to a few people and one of them specifically said, she had had a dream about me leading a ministry to spanish speaking women, she thought possibly in another country.  One of the missionaries at our church ministers in Guatemala and recently has been working with people who live in the city garbage dump.  I have been reading and soaking up every word from an author named Ann Voskamp who's book I read last year and I am getting ready to lead a study with a few ladies centered around the principles she talks about in the book.  I was reading her blog the other day, and couldn't believe my eyes or the feeling in my heart as she talked about having met a man, Saul, when she was in Guatemala who had been ministering in the garbage dump.  It was not, Patrick, our friend who lives there but the irony, coincidence,and specifics of it all really did a number on me! This past week as I spoke to some other missionaries who just returned from Guatemala working in an orphanage, my heartstrings are being tugged upon...I don't know what it all means. I don't know when, how, or what it will take to get there, but, I am very much feeling like the time to GO is drawing near...I want to be faithful, follow His voice, be used as an instrument in the hands of my creator to bless, encourage, teach, love and whatever else He invites me an blesses me with the opportunity to do.

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What am I willing to do?

This year, I will have one of the BIG birthday's.  I don't know how it happened but somehow, I will turn 40 in less than 3 months.  That got me to thinking about a few things, one of them being quite a few pounds that I didn't want to take with me in to the next decade of my life.  I have tried to lose weight before, some times I have been successful at it, then to find out shortly after, that I was pregnant again...Well, that isn't going to happen anymore and it has been seven years since I became pregnant with our last baby.  NO MORE EXCUSES!  I really want to get rid of at least 20 pounds and then reassess the situation and decide if that is enough.
 The truth is, I have made some changes in my eating habits over the last couple of YEARS, eating brown rice, wheat pasta, wheat bread, more fruits and veggies, not drinking sweet, southern ice tea all day every day but drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day! (I told you I don't accept change easily, I am a slow mover) Making sure I eat high protein breakfasts every day. (I remember the days that I could eat 4 Reese cups or 4 Krispy Kreme doughnuts for breakfast with a glass of whole milk and not break 100 lbs on the scales...no kidding this was a regular diet for me in high school.) Sorry, I digress...
.I have never enjoyed exercising but recently Maelee asked me if I would start running with her...uuhhh, WHY??? are we being chased?  Sometimes, we need a nudge from someone and an accountability partner always helps too. Anyway, she and I have decided on a Couch to 5K plan that we are following and then also a workout routine that we(sometimes only I) are doing daily.  It has been almost 2 weeks and we are making progress!  I realized that 20-30 minutes a day is doable for me right now.  I am not where I will be in 8 weeks but I am not where I was two weeks ago...PRAISE GOD.
 Don't be afraid to start small, make adjustments where necessary.  The inside routine we are following suggests doing 3-5 sets, well, that was  IMPOSSIBLE the first week but is getting closer to a possiblity.  The first week, I did it once a day, now I am doing twice a day but not at the same time.  Next week, I would like to increase again.  I am having shin splints that cause my legs to hurt just when my pants rub against them so I am modifying a couple of things so that the impact on my shins is less, trusting that  something is better than nothing.  If I am not willing to be committed, press through, and keep the end in sight, I will make NO progress at all, but doing a little more than I did yesterday will get me to a better place tomorrow!  These are the things I am following

Week	Workout 1	Workout 2	Workout 3
1	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
2	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
3	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)
4	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
5	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog two miles (or 20 minutes) with no walking.
6	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2-1/4 miles (or 22 minutes) with no walking.
7	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).
8	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).
9	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	The final workout! Congratulations! Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).

 Rick mentioned the possibility of taking a cruise to celebrate my 40th and I was resistant because I didn't want to take along the extra baggage on my body with me so my goal is to have at least lost 15 lbs by March 26.  I'm not sure that the cruise will happen or not, but this will be my gift to myself and I think he might enjoy the benefits too and I will live a healthier, more fit future!

What are you saying, God?

About a year and a half ago, when I first came to the realization that our years as a homeschooling family were coming to an end the questions came to mind, "Lord, what's next?"  "What will I spend my days doing?" "Am I supposed to find a job?" What are you saying, God?"  I knew that there would still be plenty of things to fill my days. I do still have six children, and maintaining our home, leading a women's ministry, volunteering in the schools, helping them with what they need, etc. would still be a full time job even without homeschooling.
    I don't adjust to change easily, honestly, I can be down right resistant and unlike my husband I don't move on an idea quickly.  Unfortunately, I have said to my children before, "obedience with hesitancy isn't obedience."  OUCH!!! Now, I am saying those same words to myself.
    A few years before this, when some missionaries were sharing at our church, I felt like the Lord was nudging me to refresh the knowledge of Spanish that I had in college and increase my fluency  but I dismissed it and came up with several reasons why then was not the time, not to mention, why would I need to do that.  I have heard that sweet, gentle voice of the Lord remind me several times through the years of what he spoke to me about  but still have not taken the time  to start moving in that direction.  I wonder if my hesitancy is because I didn't see the big picture.  I have never been on a Missions trip, not really ever even wanted to go. I don't have Spanish speaking neighbors that I need to communicate with, Spanish teachers have been laid off in our local school system... I just could see NO reason to do this.  I wonder if Noah ever entertained these thoughts when God said, "Build a boat, it is going to rain."  "It hasn't ever rained, I don't have any lumber, I can't get save all the animals, I must have misunderstood you God." OUCH, again!  I don't want the flood to come and be left with no boat.
    I like to know the big picture but right now, I don't!  All I know is that the nudging and leading of my Father, says, "Do what I said." I have always told my children that,"because I said so," IS reason enough to obey, that if I said it needed to be done, that I have good reasons for that and I need them to trust me, and that I don't always explain the "why" to them...I know that is what My Father is saying, "I have GOOD reasons, TRUST Me!  He has been so good, and patient with me, even giving me little confirmations and glimpses along the way of what is ahead, NOW I will trust.

I AM

This isn't the first time I have sat at this keyboard to put my thoughts in to words.  Truthfully, I have read so many other blogs and thought, "I am not that good of a writer, I am not that good of a teacher, I am not that good of a cook, I am not that good of an organizer, I am not that good of a mother, I am not that good of a wife, I am not that good of a servant, I am not that good of a student of the Word, I am not that good of a daughter, therefore I stopped writing, thinking that one day, IF ever I became great at any of those things, then, I would write.

I realized, though, those are exactly the mindsets that keep greatness from ever coming to be.  I may never become great at any one of the things I mentioned but they are all important to me, and I AM intentionally going to live to become better at each of them.